JUDGEMENT DAY IS AT HAND DEAR READERS! Not for you though, don't worry. I'm talking about specific characters in certain video games; the worst of the worst, though not in the way you would think. Instead of listing the "evilest beings imaginable" in a top-ten style format like my previous articles, I'm going to pick seven (or more) characters that each best represents Dante Alighieri's Seven Deadly Vices as mentioned in his second book, Purgatorio. So, let's see who the biggest sinners are in video games and then maybe pass our judgement upon them.
Pride: Kefka Palazzo (Final Fantasy VI)
Never in my life have I seen anyone as vain as this man. He hates everyone below (and above) his rank, despises filth of all kinds, and he thinks so highly of himself that he believes himself to a god. This is further evidenced by the fact that his favorite things are mirrors. He also cares nothing about what happens around him as long as it doesn't interfere with his schedule, and he sees the other people around him as mere worms. He even nearly destroyed the world because of his massive superiority complex and nihilistic attitude toward everything that wasn't him. I feel that this man encompasses this vice perfectly.
Envy: Wario (Wario Land series)
This individual is gross, unpleasant, and overall very greedy. So why you may ask is he labelled for Envy instead of Avarice? Well, that's because he's a notorious thief. As greedy as he is, he primarily only goes for possessions owned by his rivals Mario, and Captain Maple Syrup of the Black Sugar Pirates. He will stop at nothing to make sure that he is rich and his enemies are penniless, even if this means teaming up with unlikely partners in order to get the job done, which he will then proceed to rob. He even stole Mario's castle once while he was off saving Princess Daisy. Needless to say, he doesn't really deserve any pity.
Wrath: Kratos (God of War series)
This man is driven solely by anger to get revenge. He will murder anyone and anything that stands between him and his ultimate goal and he shows little to no remorse for his actions. He despises being deceived, and this further fuels his anger. He's almost like the Incredible Hulk in that regard as it almost feels like he gets stronger and more focused the angrier he gets. Even after he completes his goal in the first God of War game, he still feels the need to maim and kill as he regularly revisits Greece from the top of Mount Olympus to wreak destruction in the name of Sparta. It is extremely hard to feel sorry for this man's tortured past when he won't stop killing innocents to achieve victory against the gods.
Sloth: Snorlax (Pokemon)
There are a lot of lazy video game characters out there, but I guarantee that there is nothing lazier than the pokemon Snorlax. According to its Pokedex entry, Snorlax sleeps the majority of life, never waking up except when it needs to eat. As soon as its done eating though, it goes right back to sleep, sometimes in the most inconvenient places like in the middle of a road. Plus, this pokemon is an extremely heavy sleeper; almost nothing can wake it up save for its appetite or the music of a Poke-Flute. Good luck in moving it out of the way as well; this pokemon weighs 1014.1 pounds (460kg), so simply pushing it out of the way is out of the question. Obviously Snorlax needs to turn its life around.
Avarice: Tingle (The Legend of Zelda)
Obviously not what a lot of people expected, but looks can be deceiving. Tingle is unexpectedly greedy considering his childish demeanor. He tries everything he can to get as much money as he can, and to spend as little as possible. He even purposefully overcharges for services that only he can provide, such as magical assistance and deciphering ancient treasure maps. In fact, in Tingle's Rosy Rupeeland, money is his health and he will literally die when he runs out of cash. This even prompts him to try and cheat the people in town to get an easy quick buck. This 35-year-old man-child needs to learn the value of generosity before it gets him into some hot water.
Gluttony: A Tie Between Pac-Man & Kirby
These characters are never seen not eating for very long. In fact, almost every game that they star in, eating seems to be the main gameplay focus. They are always seen stuffing their gullets with whatever is in front of them, be it edible or otherwise. I'm talking about food, enemies, pieces of the environment, and power-ups. And that's not even the whole list! They never seem to feel full for very long, if they ever feel full at all, and in many of the games they're in, eating seems to be their only form of combat. The only real difference between them is Pac-Man eats to get to the next stage and Kirby eats to copy enemy powers. They never seem to gain any weight though, so they must have killer metabolism. I would kill to have that kind of metabolism...
Lust: Larry Laffer (Leisure Suit Larry)
I was kinda hoping that would be able to avoid this one, but then the list wouldn't be complete now would it? If there is anything that is synonymous with this man, it is sexual conquest, which is exactly what Larry does in every single Leisure Suit Larry game that he stars in. He is a dorky and perverted little software salesman that cares very little about the women he tries to seduce. All he cares about is getting some tail, and he often fails hilariously while doing so. He lacks a moral compass as well so this makes this all the easier for him to ignore any and all advice telling him to stop. This however also makes it difficult to determine whether the girl he's hitting on is going to attack him in some way. Karmic justice if you ask me.
Well, there may be no hope to get these numerous individuals to repent, but do we really want them to? These traits, while abhorrent in nature, are what makes these characters themselves and that's how we have come to know and reluctantly love them. So in all honesty, who am I to judge? But until then, I'll be seeing you.
