Below is the original script for the video, yes the spelling is horrible, Ed can't spell, I'm sorry. And yes, this is satire. -Cat

100% Accurate Review Of:
RISE OF THE TOMB RAIDER (PC)
By Edward Luke DeYoung, Pants Gaming.

Rise of the Tomb Raider is a F***ing piece of sexist S***!

It’s 2016 and sexist piece of S*** games like Rise of the Tomb Raider are still being made. Games like this set back what Feminism has been doing for the last 100 years. Rise of the Tomb Raider is made by Crystal Dynamics, now the most sexist game developers on Earth and here’s why.

Everything about Rise of the Tomb Raider triggered me. Seeing a women get hurt, triggered, being shot by disgusting CIS White Men who haven’t F***ing checked there privilege, triggered, Lara feeling pain due to the harsh weather, triggered, animals attacking her because she’s a woman, triggered, Lara getting hurt by the environment, triggered, the fact that people are treating Lara differently due to her being a woman, triggered. I bet she only has 70% total ammo compared to the men in the game.

Even in cut scenes, Lara is being told what to do and can’t think for herself because the game developers believe that woman are unable to think and make decisions independently without the help of a strong white man.

Throughout many points in the game for the plot to move forward a man is always needed. Like when Lara needs to climb to the top of a mountain she is unable to climb up without the help of a man. When Lara is trying to escape from prison she is forced to escape with the help of a man. When Lara is trying to find a secret entrance to a lost city a man is the one who reveals the entrance to her. For F***’s sake! Everything about the character arc of Lara Croft involves the unnecessary assistance of a man which is F***ing sexist and shouldn’t be allowed in video games.

I was barely able to finish Rise of the Tomb Raider with all this triggering that was happening throughout the game. I think I might even have PTSD! Not the type the people in the military get, REAL PTSD.

Everything about Lara’s character design is sexist, her clothes are to revealing and insinuate her slim figure, her breasts and but are too big and the biggest problem with Lara’s character design is that it f***ing fat shams “larger women“ who have REAL curves. At one point a “larger character“ in the game dies due to their size. When will game devs learn to not set unrealistic body standards for people who identify as a woman. This is not what real beauty looks like. Check your F***ing privilege your S*** lords. F***.

That’s the other thing about the writing, other characters in the game refer to Lara as a woman. What the F*** is this gender binary Bull S***. No one at any point in the game asks what Lara identifies as or asks what pro-nouns to use to describe her gender. Like I said earlier, this is a very difficult game to play due to the heterosexual nature the game normalizes and forces down your throat.

And then the game forces typical tropes in the story like Lara having to save a heterosexual male. Why the F*** isn’t he a LGBTQAR! Like seriously, the gay and trans community is completely under-represented in this game to the point of THERE IS NO LGBTQAR CHARACTERS IN THIS GAME, For F***’s Sake!

I am sick of this F***ing S*** that keeps happening in the gaming industry where it forces these incorrect behaviours down your throat. Why can’t more main stream games be like; Life is Strange, Gone Home, Sunset, Depression Quest, Emily is Away.

Wouldn’t Rise of the Tomb Raider be great if Lara was; body size realistic, homosexual, trans fluid and independent who uses their own pro-nouns and corrects others when they describe Lara as a gender binary woman instead of who Lara really is.

Imagine if the game started with Lara and Jonah climbing the mountain and Lara explaining her gender identity and what pronouns Jonah should be using when talking to her. And also it would be great if Lara could talk about why feminism is needed in First World countries where women are oppressed and marginalized because of the CIS White Men that inhabit it.

This is why more games need Feminist on the writing team so ideas that I wrote above can happen and improve the representation of feminism video games.

There are other elements to Rise of the Tomb Raider like the gameplay which has been improved from the previous game but you’ll probably not notice any of these changes due to all the triggering you will go through whilst playing this game. As a Feminist, I actually had to take a break from being a Feminist to actually notice the gameplay changes, but even when I turned it off I still got triggered, like at the start of the game:
Lara can dive under water, but can’t stay under for too long cause she’ll run out of air. Look at this lazy as piece of S*** game design. How I would’ve designed the dive mechanic is by having Lara identify as a fish for these segments so she’d be able to breathe under water perfectly.

The other element to Rise of the Tomb Raider is the graphics. The presentation looks okay I guess, other than the sexualize clothing all the women have been designed to wear by the heterosexual males at Square Enix.

First the game will trigger you for violence against a women because Lara’s a women, then you’ll get triggered because the game developers force gender binary beliefs down your throat, S*** on anyone who identifies as trans or homosexual and have designed pro men story arcs that Lara can’t go through without the help of a man. And the lazy, unintuitive gameplay and sexist graphics will have you wanting to turn this game off in the first 10 minutes and get a refund.

Final Thoughts
My gender neutral friends, I really wanted to like Rise of the Tomb Raider I really did, but due to the disgusting treatment of women, the LGBTQAR community and for fat shaming every person who has real curves and every other problem listed above I have no choice but to give Rise of the Tomb Raider a 0/10.

Due to all the PTSD this game has given me, to help pay for my medical bills support me on patron, go fund me, kick starter and possible. Thank you. And please like and subscribe.

Below is the script for the video above.

Oh dear. I wonder why ED does this to himself -Cat

100% Accurate Review Of:
The Walking Dead: Michonne EP1 (PC)
By Edward Luke DeYoung, Pants Gaming.

The Walking Dead: Mic-onie?, Monochrome?, Michael? Chlorine? Michonne? EP1 In the End, Is a game? I guess you could say it’s an interactive narrative?I dunnomade by Telltale Games, TWD: Michonne EP1 follows Michonne in her adventures with a bunch of dudes on a boat. So hoist the sales as we set off to take a look at.

I just want it to end-

As stated above, Michonne follows Michonne through a specific time period in her life. It uses flashbacks to give back story on her character which seems to be new for Telltale Games to use interactive cut scenes that flashback between current and beforeI’d make a time joke here but it’s not worth it.

Since Telltale Games are story driven I won’t talk about specific beats to muchThe cast is very interesting as well as the performances and writing. All theumcharacters seemed unique and didn’t seem blandexcept for Michonne herself...

Now, I’m not gonna go into the whole argument about “we need more strong women in games“ and crap, and I understand that Michonne has gone through a lot, and she really doesn’t have anything to live for, but. Her lines specifically make her soooooo boring. Her delivery is okay, but this is especially noticeable at the start. After Act 1, her lines get a bit betterI guess

Anyway that’s the story part

Now let’s drift onto the gameplayMichonne is a point and clickso you point and click on stuff.It does seem to be a little more streamlined compared to previous Telltale Games but you’ll be to busy killing zombies to notice. The action in Michonne is pretty brutal √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú I’m surprised it passed the Australian Classification Board √¢‚Ǩ‚Äú Also there is a lot of blood. And not just because Michonne is on her period!

Sorry.

The presentation for Michonne is very visual. When looking towards your monitor you will see something that can be identified as what it is supposed to look likeI dunno what you really want me to say? It looks like every other Telltale Game.

In the end, just like in life, Michonne is denied the sweet embrace of death we all long.

10/10

M-m-m-maybe check us out?

Pants Gaming is run by three Australian degenerates:
-ED the Autist, Editor and Audiophile
-Sam the Drunk and Fallout Fanboy
-Cat the Weeb, Paranoid and editor.......?

To celebrate the Pokemon series 20th Anniversary in Japan, Nintendo announced that the 7th generation Pokemon games, titled Pokemon Sun and Pokemon Moon, were in development and would be released by the holiday season of 2016. In addition to this, they also revealed that the eShop versions of Pokemon Red Version, Pokemon Blue Version, and Pokemon Yellow Version would be compatible with Pokemon Bank so you could transfer the pokemon you trained in those games to Sun and Moon when they're released. Here's hoping for a great new addition to the Pokemon series, but until then, I'll be seeing you.

Now because the last direct was exclusively Pokemon themed and announced the new Pokemon Sun and Pokemon Moon games, this one had no Pokemon related news to speak of. Instead a bunch of equally exciting information was shown off.

• Star Fox Zero was shown off again and was officially announced that it would be released in tandem on April 22 with a secondary game called Star Fox Guard. The Fox amiibo was also shown off in the game to show that it would unlock the Retro Arwing for play.
• Splatoon will be receiving a balancing patch on March 8 along with some new weapon sets that will be released in two separate updates in the near future.
• Mario & Sonic at the Rio 2016 Olympic Games was shown off a bit with the addition of a release date for both versions. Wii U is June 24 and 3DS is March 18.
• New construction features in the form of Pink Coins, Keys, Locked Doors and Skewers will be added to Super Mario Maker in its next update (Still no sloped platforms though...). In addition to these, a new Super Expert 100-Mario Challenge game mode will also be added which can be played to try and earn new Mystery Mushroom costumes.
• The Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem crossover game for Wii U now has an official English name and a release date. Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE will be released June 24.
• Paper Mario: Color Splash was unexpectedly revealed for the Wii U and will be released some time in 2016. No other specifics such as amiibo support or a demo were announced for it.
• Pokken Tournament recapped some if its features and reconfirmed its March 18 release date.
• Mini Mario & Friends: amiibo Challenge was revealed and would be released as an early access title, with the purchase of a compatible amiibo, on March 25 and with a free public release on both Wii U and 3DS on April 28.
• Super NES titles were announced for Virtual Console on the New 3DS and will be incompatible with the older hardware.
• Hyrule Warriors Legends was announced to be getting a Season Pass of DLC and a free downloadable character in the form of Medli from The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker. The Season Pass will be released on the same day as the game on March 25.
• Monster Hunter X was revealed to be coming stateside with the name Monster Hunter Generations and was shown to have Fire Emblem DLC as well. It should be released some time in the summer.
• Metroid Prime: Federation Force showed off some new gameplay and some details about the game's story was explained. It has a projected release of late spring.
• Fire Emblem Fates had some DLC shown off in addition to the final downloable story line, Revelation.
• Dragon Quest VII was announced for a stateside release some time in 2016.
• Bravely Second: End Layer was announced for an April release with the addition of a rather impressive collector's edition to pre-order.
• The Free-to-Play Lost Reavers was announced to be released as an open beta on April 14 with the full version being released two weeks later.
• A rather unusual new game called Pocket Card Jockey by Game Freak was announced for the 3DS and will be released in May.
• Azure Striker Gunvolt 2 was announced for a summer release on the 3DS eShop.
• In addition, Disney Art Academy was also announced for the 3DS. It will be released on May 13.
• Rhythm Heaven Megamix was announced to finally getting released overseas after being in Japan for nearly a year. It will be released some time in 2016. I'm estimating a summer launch.
• A brand new Kirby game for the 3DS called Kirby: Planet Robobot was announced for the 3DS and will include amiibo support and a brand new sub-game called Team Kirby Clash. In addition to this, a brand new series of amiibo based on the Kirby series was announced. The game will be released on June 10, but the release date of the amiibo has yet to be confirmed.
• And finally, the My Nintendo loyalty program was officially launched and will also allow you to preregister Nintendo's first smartphone app, Miitomo.

Being the Nintendo fan that I am, I will most definitely be trying to get most of these games and I am extremely excited for the new Kirby game that will soon be released. I wish I didn't have to repurchase all of those SNES games though, but I'm sure My Nintendo will be able to remedy this in the future. But until then, I'll be seeing you.

The video is centered almost entirely around the 3DS, but like always here's the short recap for you folks out there that don't have the time to watch the whole thing.

• Two things were revealed in Pokemon Sun & Moon; Alolan Rattata being one and a special Munchlax as an early purchase bonus being the other.
• A slightly watered down version of Super Mario Maker is being ported to the 3DS that lacks the costume mushroom and the ability to upload stages you made to the internet, but you can make collaborative stages with other people and complete special challenges in the pre-installed stages. It is set to be released on December 2.
• Some more info was shown off for Mario Party: Star Rush. It is stated to have 7 game modes, three of which are entirely different board game each with their own unique rules. The game will be released along side the second wave of Mario series amiibo on November 4.
• Animal Crossing New Leaf was stated to be getting a major update after being out for 3 years. This update will add amiibo functionality to the game and 50 new amiibo cards will be released along side it. In addition to this, a special version of the game, called Animal Crossing: New Leaf Welcome amiibo will also be released this holiday season that will include the update on the cart.
• The 3DS's Mii Plaza was given a new update which adds 5 new games (1 free plus $2.99 for each after or $8.99 for the full bundle), a special quick-start plaza, and a new queue for Mii's encountered via streetpass which bumps the total from 10 to a whopping 100. This update is available now.
• A new eShop exclusive title called Tank Troopers was revealed to be in the works which would have up to 6-player versus and customizable tanks where the abilities change depending on who's manning the vehicle. No release date was shown at the time of writing this article.
• Picross 3D: Round 2 was also shown for the eShop and was launched following the Direct.
• The Nindies Summer Jam started on the same day the Direct aired and revealed that 5 anticipated indie titles would be released over the course of 5 weeks with Axiom Verge being the first game on that list followed by Jotun, Noitu Love: Devolution, Severed, and Azure Striker Gunvolt 2.
• To celebrate The Legend of Zelda's 30th anniversary, four new amiibo were announced being 8-bit Link, Ocarina of Time Link, and a 2-pack that has Toon Link and Toon Zelda. They will all be compatible with Zelda: Breath of the Wild.
• Nintendo also teamed up with Darkhorse to make three new Zelda books with the first being an artwork collection with over 2,000 images spanning the 30 year history of the franchise. The first book is also available to pre-order.
• Zelda: Skyward Sword was also released on the Wii U eShop.
• The New 3DS XL now has a new galaxy themed color and the regular New 3DS has a new Mario themed bundle that comes with Super Mario 3D Land and two sets of Mario themed faceplates.
• Hyrule Warriors Legends showed off a new weapon for Toon Link being the Sand Wand and a new playable character being Toon Zelda among other things like a new adventure map based on Phantom Hourglass.
• Phoenix Wright: Spirit of Justice got a release date of September 8 exclusively for the 3DS eShop.
• Dragon Quest VII for the 3DS release date was revealed as well being September 16.
• Yo-Kai Watch 2: Bony Spirits/Fleshy Souls showed off some new gameplay elements and a special bonus medal for those that buy the game physically. They will both launch September 30.
• Disney Magical World 2 was also shown off with some Nintendo 3DS themes based around it being shown as well.
• Sonic Boom: Fire & Ice for the 3DS finally got an official release date being September 27 with a special launch edition which also includes a DVD containing 3 episodes of the TV that it's based on.
• Shin Megami Tensei IV Apocalypse for the 3DS got a release date being September 20.
• A special version of Yoshi's Woolly World is being ported to the 3DS that will include a bunch of new stages where you play as Poochy and 30 stop-motion shorts featuring the two. Poochy & Yoshi's Woolly World will be released February 3, 2017 along side the new Yarn Poochy amiibo.
• The new IP Ever Oasis had some gameplay shown off and will be released for the 3DS some time in 2017.
• Mario Sports Super Stars for the 3DS was revealed and was shown to include 5 different sports being Soccer, Tennis, Golf, Baseball, and of all things Horseback Riding. It will also have the ability to be played online or in local multiplayer. It will release some time in Spring of 2017.
• In a big surprise, it turns out that the Pikmin series is getting a 2D spin-off game on the 3DS. Judging by the gameplay shown, it looks like it might play similar to Kirby: Mass Attack. No official release date was revealed, but it is scheduled for 2017.

Well that's all of it. Out of all these, I'm probably most excited for the Pikmin spin-off, but only time will tell if it is any good. But until then, I'll be seeing you.

It's been six years since 2010's underrated gem, Mafia II. Fans have been waiting eagerly for not only a new addition in the franchise, but also answers to many of the questions raised in Mafia II. Hangar 13 have big tasks to complete with their first release. Especially since their first release is of a sequel to a beloved series and one of the biggest AAA releases of 2016. Let's cross our fingers and see how they did.

In Mafia III, players assume the role of Lincoln Clay, a Vietnam veteran returning home only to find his crime family owes a lot of money to the wrong people. After completing a job for them, Lincoln assumes all debts are paid, but is betrayed and forced to watch the death of his family. Down but not out, Lincoln swears vengeance. And in order to exact his revenge, he needs to recruit like minded criminals. These criminals come in the form of Cassandra, the leader of a Haitian gang, Vito Scaletta, previous main character of Mafia II and all around badass, and Thomas Burke, a father seeking revenge for the death of his son by the Italian mafia.

Lincoln starts out interesting enough. He's a man that just wants to do right by his family, and if that means having to kill some people in the process, he won't hesitate to do it. Lincoln doesn't necessarily want to kill, but it's just something that has to be done in his world. That is until the Italian mafia kills his entire family and seriously wounds Lincoln. Then he becomes just another generic, angry guy out for revenge. Anything that made Lincoln interesting, or even likable, is completely thrown away after only an hour or so of playing.

The entirety of Mafia III's narrative hinges on players sympathizing with Lincoln and wanting his crusade against the Italian mafia to succeed. The problem with this is that none of Lincoln's family are likable, none of his allies are likable (with the exception of Vito), and the villains are so over the top with how evil and dastardly they are that I almost forget that I'm not watching a Saturday morning cartoon when playing through Mafia III's story. Interestingly, Mafia III has the opposite problem that Mafia II had. Mafia II had boring, tedious combat sections, but had a brilliant story. Mafia III, on the other hand, has a boring, tedious story, but fun combat sections.

Race, violence, and oppression are heavy themes in Mafia III. 1968 was a difficult time for anyone who wasn't white, in both fiction and reality. Mafia III's depiction of racial prejudice is much better than, say, BioShock Infinite's disgustingly simplistic depiction of a serious subject matter, but I don't know how authentic it was compared to real life. It was a bit jarring at first hearing the "n-word" being used pretty casually, but I wasn't alive in a time in history where words like that were commonly used. Ten hours into Mafia III and I stopped even noticing that word being used. So either Hangar 13 did a great job taking me back to 1968 or I need to take another trip to the Museum of Tolerance to re-orientate myself. I knew Hangar 13 were afraid to dabble into those themes from the very start of Mafia III. What does it say about the state of the video game industry when we can't even have a game depict a real, appalling matter in an informative way without it beginning with a actual trigger warning?

Every Mafia game had a message. It may have varied from depending on interpretation, but it always came down to, "Crime doesn't pay." It may seem all well and good at first, but it always ends in disaster. In Mafia: The Lost City of Heaven, Tommy Angelo is forced to become a rat for the FBI and is ultimately killed by the mob. In Mafia II, Vito realizes that he may have gotten his best friend murdered by the mob in one of the most ambiguous cliffhangers in video game history. In Mafia III? Well apparently crime does pay because Lincoln gets away with an untold amount of money, guns, drugs, and women from running an entire city through crime. Not only that, but Hangar 13 also had to go and completely undermine the message of Mafia II's cliffhanger ending. Talk about not understanding your source material.

If there's one saving grace for Mafia III, it's the gameplay. As I previously stated, Mafia III's combat section are much better than II's. Where Mafia II had linear corridor cover shooting, Mafia III has larger more open areas allowing for more variety in tackling your objective. Stealth has been improved on tremendously from the last game, but that isn't saying much. Stealth was completely useless in Mafia II unless the mission specifically required it. Even then it was still so barebones that it made Skeletor jealous. Now stealth can be used whenever you want for almost every mission.

The guns feel great as well. Every weapon sounds and feels as weighty as they would in real life, and are just all around fun to use. It's just a shame that Lincoln is built like a tank, but can take less hits than a glass hammer before dying. Effectively turning full frontal assaults into "cowering behind chest high cover until the color on your screen comes back" assaults. Luckily Lincoln is able to carry medkits so that isn't too much of an issue, when you have them.

The same can be said about vehicles as well. Every car feels different and has a nice mix of real world car physics and arcade car physics. This makes car chases feel cinematic without going over the top. Speeding around a corner and watching your pursuers from your rear view mirror slam into a building at high speeds is always enjoyable. Vehicle laws are supposedly in place, similar to the first two games, but I never noticed them. I found myself speeding and crashing into cars and other objects in front of the police, but was never chased until I killed a cop.

Remember the surprisingly in depth hand-to-hand combat from Mafia II? Where you could chain together light and heavy attacks to form devastating combos? Well, good news! Just tap the melee button three times to win every time in Mafia III. What a strange omission. Hangar 13 give Lincoln the build of a brawler, but restrict him to simple punches and kicks? That fighting mechanic would have been much better suited for Lincoln than Vito. I have to admit that I'm curious to see who would win in a hand-to-hand fight between Lincoln and Vito in his prime.

So what's the catch for gameplay that's actually enjoyable? Tedious, boring mission structure. With more of an emphasis on gameplay, you would think Hangar 13 would build missions that would take advantage of that. Instead you get another helping of Generic Open World #72521. Damage racket, kill racket boss, damage racket, kill racket boss, rinse, and repeat. 10 hours later and you've completed Mafia III. It may sound like I'm over simplifying Mafia III, but I'm really not. Every mission is either destroy some stuff or kill some guys with an occasional car chase to break up the monotony. I found myself turning the game off every other mission because I was getting so burnt out doing the same thing over and over again.

The graphics really are the difference between night and day. They don't look too bad at night, and seeing the lights of the city bounce off of buildings and cars will cause you to drive a little slower to enjoy the view. During the day though, lighting is flat, textures are ugly, and the framerate dips out of nowhere. Outside of cutscenes, Mafia III looks like a game that could easily run on PS3 and Xbox 360.

That's unacceptable for a AAA game. It's been 6 years and Mafia III only manages to look just barely better than II? Perhaps this is only something that afflicts console versions, but if Mafia III looks this bad on consoles, it can't fair much better on PC. It can't possibly be hardware limitation because, for example, a like Grand Theft Auto V not only looks better, but was also ported from 7th generation consoles. I repeat, a much bigger game from 2013 looks better than this state of the art of AAA release from 2016.

Don't make the mistake of looking in the rear view mirror for too long during the day. You'll quickly notice an orange void consuming the world. You can't out run it. No matter how fast your go or how hard you try to hide, it's always there. I know it's October, but I didn't know this was a horror game. Yes, the view distance seen in the rear view mirror is shockingly short. It's like the fog wall from the Silent Hill HD Collection constantly following you.

One tradition in the Mafia series Hangar 13 managed to continue in Mafia III was the great soundtrack. Instead of the light classical and smooth jazz from the first two titles, Mafia III features early rock from the 50's and 60's. It feels good driving through New Bordeaux at night with Paint It Black by The Rolling Stones playing from your stolen car. The soundtrack fits the time period and, surprisingly, fits the mafia vibe in a new way.

I'm hesitant to even call Mafia III a "Mafia game." Just because a crime family happens to be in a game, doesn't mean it's a "Mafia game." If that were the case, any of the GTA games can be retitled "Mafia." What made the first Mafia game unique was that it was one of the first playable mafia simulators. Everything you would attribute to mafia films and the mob in real life were present in Mafia: The Lost City of Heaven. Suits, ties, old timey setting, long sitdowns, and Italians. Even Mafia II, with all the content that got cut, had all that and more. Mafia III has very little to offer in that regard. Sure, there are some characters that wear suits with ties, 1968 New Bordeaux is an old timey setting, sitdowns were few and far between but did still happen, and italians are present as the main villains, but none of those things are the main focus. The focus of Mafia III is a generic revenge tale under the guise of a Mafia game.

In the end, Mafia III is incredibly disappointing as a Mafia game and taken on its on merits. A dull, uninspired story, mixed with repetitive missions and graphics that would hurt a blind guy's eyes can't be saved by decent gameplay. Mafia III is without a doubt one of the most disappointing releases of 2016 and not worthy of the Mafia name.